Enemies crumble before Cap'n Apple. He puts the 'pie' in pirate and has left many an enemy con-custard. Here's how to make yer own version of this ap-peel-ing character!
Start with two felt circles, green as the promise of land after months at sea.
Dissect a cap'n's hat shape from gunpowder black felt. Take yer double-cutlass commonly known as scissors and stab it. If there be grown up lubbers around who want to intervene, let 'em. Tis a foolish captain does the crew's jobs.
Put a likely-lookin' nautical gold button through the stab hole. Take a splinter from yer mast, or someone's pegleg, or a match (after ye've lit tapers in yer beard) to hold it in place.
Rim yer hat with gold sequins, me hearties! Gold thread be best, though it be slippery as a drunk octopus to work with and costs half the crew's rations to buy.
Make two black eyes - with sequins, not on the faces of nearby lubbers.
Check the placing of yer hat. This be vital in life as well as craft, me hearty.
Cut the eyes out from the white felt. Hack two black strips fer brows and two red circles fer cheeks. Place all these to yer satisfaction. I find the best eyebrows look like that well-known pirate computer game 'enraged parrots' - know the one I mean?
Glue the eyebrows with uneaten porridge from the ship's cook (or PVA).
Sew a malevolent mouth and a sinister scar, then decapitate Cap'n Apple to make room fer his hat. Ruthless!
Glue on the hat and, gruesome grappling hooks, ye be facin' a completed Cap'n Apple. And mighty fine he looks too.
Chief of Creative Levity and beacon of rainbows and optimism!